Wednesday, June 07, 2006

spinachdip's guide to the 2006 World Cup: Matchday 2 - Do ya think I'm sexy?

Previously: Matchday 1

Matchday 2: Saturday, June 10

Neither Wayne Rooney nor his girlfriend will be playing in this one. Shame, that.

England vs Paraguay (9:00 am ET - ABC/Univision)

Key player: Two months ago, I would've said England's Wayne Rooney, but his foot's all messed up. Without the Shrek lookalike, the colonialists will have to depend on Michael Owen (#10) and the inimitable Peter Crouch (#21) up front. It won't be hard to spot either of them since Owen looks like a midget out there and Crouch looks like Shawn Bradley's Mini Me, standing at 6'7" and weighing 100 pounds soaking wet.

Reasons to watch this game: England used to play boring soccer, to the point of driving their fans to violence, but they have some exciting players in the midfield these days. You should expect some fancy footwork from Joe Cole (#11) on the left side of the midfield and we hope Steven Gerrard (#4) gets a few cracks on goal. And there's some guy whose name rhymes with "Shrek Ham".

Seriously, enough already.

Reasons not to watch this game:
You'll probably get tired of the Great Escape theme that England supporters will keep playing over and over. The commentators will go gaga over Shrek Ham. Crouch's robot dance (above) is getting old already. Plus, Paraguay's one of those teams that usually play well enough to not embarrass themselves but not well enough to make a difference.

Verdict: Forget what you heard, England is a fun team to watch. As much as I would like to hate them, they are as talented (and inconsistent) as ever. Get your ass out to the pub (or at least your couch) for this one.

Trinidad & Tobago vs Sweden (12:00 pm ET - ABC/Univision)

Key player: I could tell you about Zlatan or Larsson, but here's one for the ladies - Freddie Ljungberg (#9), whose half naked body has been gracing Times Square for quite some time now. Insert some joke about Swedish meatballs and lingonberries.

Reasons to watch this game: Because Sweden is the nation that gave us Ikea, H&M and the Cardigans? I don't know, they're certainly talented and they should run all over T&T so there could be a lot of goals.

Reasons not to watch this game: Because there's another big game coming up and this is the least interesting match of the day.

Verdict: Take a lunch break or a siesta, because Argentina's coming up.

Argentina vs CotĂȘ d'Ivoire (3:00 pm ET - ESPN2/Univision)

Key player: Carlos Tevez is as ugly as Ljungberg is pretty, but he's got that whole Joga Bonito thing going.

Reasons to watch this game: Because you hate Argentina. They wear ponytails and headbands. They're damn, dirty bastards. They dive, hack and whine. They are the team you love to hate. But they're also very talented. The Ivory Coasters aren't bad either, and they have a decent forward in Didier Drogba (who is also a damn dirty bastard) so they could give the Argies some difficulty. Watch this game and get your hate on. You're rooting for a draw here,

Reasons not to watch this game: Because your friends did not have the decency to schedule their wedding around the World Cup.

Verdict: Watch this. Even if you have to sneak out of your friend's wedding. On the off chance that this game ends up sucking, which just gives you more ammonition for the hate.

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