Wednesday, May 24, 2006

The lost Lohan twin: where is she now?

Lindsay (l) and her twin sister (r), in happier days.

I have a soft spot in my heart for Lindsay Lohan. I can't ignore or mock her the way I do her contemporaries like Mischa or Paris or the Duff sisters or the Olsen twins. Perhaps it's that she shows occasional glimpses of her potential, as she did in Mean Girls. Maybe because she truly seems to come from a troubled background and can't but feel sympathetic to her apparent cries for help. So when I hear Paris-pal Brandon Davis mocking Lindsay's firecrotch, I have to stand up and defend her honor, albeit a week belatedly.

By the way, how is "firecrotch" considered an insult? How could that be considered a bad thing unless, the reason people called you that was because you were incredibly unkempt down there? Or if you're like me and don't have red hair. But I digress

And I get the sense that L.Lo is all alone in this world, fighting a three-front war against Jessica Simpson, Hillary Duff, and now, Brandon Davis. I began to wonder, what if Lindsay had an ally in her corner, perhaps a sister around her age to guide her through the tumultuous life of a teen queen. Jessica has Ashley. Hillary has Haylie. And where would Mary-Kate be without the grounding influence of Ashley?

Then I remembered, she does have a sister. A twin sister, in fact.

The two Lohan sisters appeared in just one movie together, the 1998 remake of The Parent Trap, never to be seen or heard from again.

And shockingly, Disney even went the Stalin-Trotsky route and erased any mention of the other Lohan twin from its publicity materials, as you can see from the poster on the right. Curiously, her photograph still remains, though I guess The Parent Trap doesn't really make sense if there weren't twin sisters involved. Still.

What is the story behind the twin sister's disappearance? Why have we all forgotten about her? Was the other twin Remus to Lindsay's Romulus, slain after a bitter falling out? Or perhaps Hugo Simpson to Lindsay's Bart? Seriously, which is the evil twin?

But really, if you're out there, the lost Lohan twin, Lindsay -and by extension, America- needs you now more than ever. Whether you look like this (awesome),

...this (hmmmm),

...or this (yikes),

just come out. Settle whatever differences you have. Tell Lindsay not to worry about that crazy dad she has, that she doesn't need to put up with the Hollywood shit.

Or maybe this could be like that movie, you know, the one where two separated twins accidentally meet in a summer camp? That would be pretty awesome.

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