Sweet you rock and sweet you roll. Or, thoughts on the 78th Academy Awards. Or, no Brokeback joke, I promise. Or, who rigs every Oscar night?

"We do, we do."

Before the ceremony, I told Heather that I'd burn Los Angeles if Crash won Best Picture. Not that I've always agreed with the Academy voters, or that it hasn't been a celebration of mediocrity for a really long time, but because it's not even a token attempt at rewarding excellence. In fact, it's LA provincialism at its worst.

I admit, out of the Best Picture noms, I've only seen Brokeback and Crash, but I can say that Brokeback is a really, really, really, really good movie while Crash was, while entertaining enough, was either a really well done bad movie or a bad movie trying really hard to be good. Or as Bomani Jones puts it, if you thought Crash was a "great" film, you need to get a library card. Which is to say, it shouldn't have been nominated in the first place. At best, it's the weakest film in the category. Probably. I'm sure Munich and Good Night and Good Luck were at least good without any qualifications.

And despite the Brokeback buzz, there really was no consensus winner so the "good" movies canceled each other out. But here's the thing - as good-bad (or bad-good) as Crash was, it was an LA movie. And who are the majority of Academy voters?

Yep, Angelinos. Like, you know how we get all provincial about New York shit? I think LA's worse. Not that I'd know. I wouldn't go to the fucking hellhole (Lies, lies. He spent a weekend with a friend in Irvine -ed). But they seem to think freeways and Starbucks and the Lakers are somehow cool. At least when we get snobby about New York, we point out the good shit - apartment rooftops, 24-hour pizza, the size of subway rats.

But the Academy done gone up and gave the Best Picture Oscar to fucking Crash. Someone get me a blowtorch and a roundtrip ticket to LAX. Burn Hollywood burn. So that's how I feel about Best Picture. Can't say I'm surprised, and I wasn't rooting for Gayback Mountain or anything, but that doesn't mean Academy voters aren't a bunch of poopoofaces.

Rest of the my Oscar thoughts in bullet points:

Can't argue with either Reese and Philip Seymour as Best Actress and Best Actor. I thought Heath Ledger (rocking the My Name Is Earl mustache) would win, but it was a strong field and any of the noms could have won.

Ang Lee's my boy. No homo. Also, the gay cowboy movie was for his dad.

Yeah, George Clooney did say he's glad he's out of touch. That's awesome. That's terrible.

Though I can't help but wonder if awarding it to Capote was the Gay Hollywood Mafia's way of sticking it to the establishment.

Three 6 Mafia. Jawesome.

Reese Witherspoon - yeah, I'd hit it. Naomi Watts - yeah, I'd hit it. Amy Adams - yea, I'd hit it. Jake Gyllenhaal - yeah, I'd hit it. Rachel McAdams - yeah, I'd hit it. Rachel Weisz -I'm happy for her. And yeah, I'd hit it. Jennifer Garner has boobs. Awesome. Yeah, I'd hit it.

Jon Stewart - no, I wouldn't hit it. He wasn't terrible considering the audience. It's a tame crowd and you're going to bomb a few times with a 3.5-hour broadcast. Still, most of the laughs were of the nervous, polite variety and there weren't unexpected comedic moments like last year's, when Jeremy Irons made funny after Chris Rock facetiously introduced him as a "comic giant", and Sean Penn got up to chastise Rock for making a Jude Law joke.

Fuck Jon Stewart. I like montages. I like the In Memoriam montage. I like the "Remember movies didn't suck ass?" montage. I like the career achievement montage. I enjoyed the gay cowboy montage. Civil rights montage was, eh, fuck, it was a montage. I watch the Oscars for the montages, goddammit.

I also like the medley of the Best Original Score nominees. Even if I was tired of hearing the Brokeback score after watching the 134th spoof trailer on YouTube.

It was nice of Dolly Parton to wear a white suit in tribute to Elliott Smith. She's awesome and all, but I wish she was carrying a gee-tar. She's got a tiny waist for someone with her boobs though.

Negative campaign ads? Sweet. And yeah, it's nice that Keira doesn't have to ugly up to get a nomination.

And I really, really do like Reese Witherspoon. Even in crap films like Legally Blonde, she shows through.

Seriously. Crash?

For more intelligent commentary, I give you, Gothamist commenters.

Kidding. I give you Thighmaster.

tags: Academy Awards Oscars Crash