The OC Season 3 Episode 2: Ryan Being Ryan

Previously: Season 3 Episode 1: Dear Summer

So, this being a recap, there are spoilers in here. If you cool kids were busy doing your CMJ thing and plan to watch this episode at a later time, you might want to click away. There's lot of porn on the internet. Check it out.

Anyhow, now that we've conveniently shipped Trey out of town, it's time for school. Yay! Senior year! But here's the thing - over a thousand parents have signed a petition to have Ryan and Marissa kicked out. Now, I could be wrong here but Harbor seems to be a pretty exclusive school - does it even have a thousand parents (500+ students)? Isn't the whole point of sending your kid to a private school so they learn in small classroom settings? What do I know? I keep forgetting "Orange County" is a figment of Josh Schwartz's imagination.

Second - aren't juvenile criminal records and stuff sealed? I can imagine people talking, but how would they really know for sure?

Oh, just for your information, Ryan/Ben McKenzie turned 27 this Monday. You know what that means? During the first season of the show, you had a 26-year-old guy making out with Marissa/Mischa Barton, who was 17 at the time. Fun.

As for the other actors, the late Caleb/Alan Dale is 58, Kirsten/Kelly Rowan is 38, Sandy/Peter Gallagher is 50, Seth/Adam Brody is 25 (which means Kirsten had Seth when she was 13), Summer/Rachel Bilson is 24, Julie/Melinda Clarke is 36 and Jimmy/Tate Donovan is 41.

Speaking of Jimmy (this post is all about the segues, isn't it?) did you notice that he's listed in the opening credits as "special guest star"? Unless Schwartzy is doing an homage to Heather Locklear's lifetime "special guest star" status on Melrose Place, we have to believe Jimmy will leave this show sooner than later. And lemme tell ya, he's not looking good right now. Re-proposing to Julie so he can get his dirty little hands on Caleb's inheritance? Gotta give points for creativity but it won't be pretty when Julie finds out from the lawyers that (a) Caleb was broke, (b) Caleb left all the money to Kirsten and Haylie or (c) Julie is off the will if she remarries. Oh boy.

Okay, back to the Cohens. Sandy tries to drag Kirsten out of rehab but she's acting all weird, possibly lesbian. Sandy tells her that the kids miss her, which is a total lie. They hardly ever talked to her - hell, Kirsten didn't even know Ryan was dating that cute girl from Spring Break Shark Attack, and they didn't know she almost had an affair with her magazine editor dude. Anyway, she ends up going to her Single White Female friend's cabin by the lake, which I'm pretty sure was used before for an 80's thriller flick or a Cinemax porn. Sandy doesn't like it but he's always been a wuss about his wife's self destructive behavior.

Okay, back to Marissa and Ryan's expulsion. I always like it when Dr. Kim's on, not just because she singlehandedly fills The OC's minority quota, but Rosalind Chao has such a nice ring to it. If I have a daughter, I'm naming her Rosalind Chao Toyoda.

So Dr. Kim tries to play Good Cop because she's all supportive like that, and if it were up to her, Marissa and Ryan will stay at Harbor. But the school hired a "Dean of Discipline", who reminds me of one of the jocks from Revenge of the Nerds. And "Hess"? Did they go through the 1941 Nazi Facebook and look for a last name that sounds sort-of scary Aryan? Anyhoo, Dean Hess don't take no shit and true to the ways of the Cobra Kai, he shows no mercy for Ryan and Marissa.

The board decides to expel just one of the two though and surprise! It's Marissa. All that drinking and lesbianism and cutting classes were fine, but shooting the guy who tried to rape her and is now trying to kill her boyfriend? We can't have that shit at Harbor.

Jimmy and Julie now have to scramble to get Marissa into another school because she up and stormed into the Dean of Discipline's office and told him off, basically burning all bridges to Harbor and finds herself banned from school property. What private school would possibly take her? Hey, what about that boarding school Kaitlin goes to? You know, Marissa's little sister? Did she even come home for the summer?

Meanwhile, Summer decides it's her mission to save Marissa's legacy of... something something, and decides she will usurp Taylor Townsend, who's been doing all of Marissa's work in the events committee anyway. Summer ends up successfully usurping Taylor for the time being and throws the bestest fall carnival eva!

Back in the Cooper-Nichol mansion, Marissa tells Ryan that he's done enough. And she's right. Every time he tries to "help", he fucks shit up for her. Oh, but no. Ryan convinces her that the best thing to get over her sadness is to go to the school carnival. Great idea, Ry. Ryan, Marissa, Seth and Summer and back together, but not for long. The evil Taylor Townsend goes and tells evil Dean Hess, who stops the Ferris Wheel, grabs Marissa by the arm and begins to drag her out of the carnival. Ryan doesn't take kindly to this and... wait for it... a little more... punches Hess in the face. The Dean gets up, gives his best Cobra Kai grin and informs Ryan that he too is expelled from Harbor.

As Ryan and Marissa exit the carnival, arm on each other's shoulder like fallen soldiers, they give a final evil eye to the Harbor assholes across the fence (oh, the symbolism!) as the acoustic version of Phantom Planet's "California" plays gently. It's like the first season again! Except they're both outcasts!

Next week, Ryan gets laid.